Big day of revelations--stuff many adults learn well long before their 40th birthday, but not me! I'm not trying to be hard on myself here, just real. And humble. Hopefully real humble! ;) But yeah, under the mask I sometimes frown.
About a half hour after I posted my blog last night, everything spiraled out of control. We had a bit of trouble with my oldest son, who was understandibly upset and battling disappointment but kept getting out of hand. We were so sad for him, but sometimes life is tough. Then Alice's and my plan to work together to finish food planning and weekly prep crashed when Alice's shoulder, which had been minorly troublesome all day, got scary bad. She went to bed and within minutes was almost in tears. Thank God it was muscular and she was fine by mid-Monday. That ended up consuming me, to say the least and avoid unneccessary detail. I went to bed late, woke up too early, couldn't grab anymore sleep, got up miserable, struggled, and just couldn't deal with anything. I felt so overwhelmed. I wished I had done more writing work last week. I couldn't figure out my day but it was obvious I had to do something, or risk emotional paralysis. So I started doing something, anything, focused on putting one foot in front of the other out of fear that I'd grind to a halt.
Sometimes life is like a boat. It's a lot easier to keep it going than get it going over and over. So I started rowing because anywhere was better than where I was.
I ended up ditching out on CrossFit. The way today went, with the craziness, school closing, wife coming home early, and stuff popping up, something had to give. I'm not thrilled, less so because I have to drop it tomorrow too--my triumphant first five-workout week will have to wait, it seems. I have discipleship class at church, and that takes priority over everything but work and family.
Part of my problem is that I sometimes have trouble discerning when I screwed up and when life just got too hard. I seem to burn myself out lately. I wonder if it's because my plate's too full, or if I just need to work harder, or if I just need to work smarter. Am I doing my best and burning out, or procrastinating and suffering as a result? I know I have to pretty much say "no" to whatever comes my way for a while.
Another big part of the problem is that I still have trouble accepting that not only do I have to make choices in life that I don't like, I have to accept that people might not agree with them. But more than that, the fact that I need not fear the reality of that is a new concept to me. People who matter aren't apt to judge me because they care about me and respect that I'm an adult. And people who are apt to judge everything I do, well, I can't listen to them. The Bible says Jesus did not come into the world to condemn us, so why should I fear human condemnation? I'm just trying to live my life. I used to make excuses for everything because I copped out so often that it was habit. Now I struggle with making adult decisions because there's a part of me that can't easily accept that maybe, just maybe, I'm not cheesing out. Maybe I'm trying really hard. Maybe it might be maybe okay if I screwed up. Who knows?
So there I was, all torn up because I had work to get done that was supposedly going to collapse the house if I didn't do it all by a certain time; broken because I was too burnt to finish my food prep and planning; ashamed because I might have to miss CrossFit; afraid I might not get a precious AA meeting in today; ticked that I had planned my Tuesday CrossFit class but forgotten that I had discipleship class at the same time; disgusted that I hadn't properly prepared for my telephone interview this afternoon... you get the picture. Sometimes you gotta hit the reset button, no matter whose fault it was, or wasn't. So that's what I did. And I survived. I could have freaked out so much that I got nothing out of today. I used to do that all the time. It's called alcoholism. Now, I reach out, and get help, and get back on my feet. I ask God for an extra hand, dust myself off, wipe away the tears, and get going again.
I also realized that as far as the challenge goes, I have to eat as close to paleo as I can, but how I do that is up to me. I can eat as much or as little as I want. I can do this however seems to work for me, using whatever I learn as a guide, but making this fit me. So that's what I'm gonna do.
So I press on. Tuesday's a-comin', and Wednesday after that.
Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 2/3 tsp. olive oil, 10g chopped nuts
- 1 cup strawberries, 1-1/4 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries
Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 clementine, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 string cheese sticks
Lunch (4 blocks)
- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 3 oz. pork, 1 egg, 1 tsp. butter, 5g chopped nuts
Snack (2 blocks)
- 2-1/2 cups cauliflower, 1 tsp butter, 1/8 cup whole milk, 1 tsp. heavy cream, 2 oz. pork
Dinner (6 blocks)
- 6 oz. chicken breast, 2 fat blocks of Tara chocolates, 1-1/2 tsp. butter
- 165g sweet potatoes, 1 cup green beans
plus tea with agave nectar
Total water consumption: 8+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea
I haven't heard back yet about my blocking but I decided to try a block or two less each day. I would like to lose weight and I think I can do it that way. If it goes wrong I'll add a block. I have my whole life to work this until I get where I need to go! This is my journey and no one else's. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0
Total points so far: 6
No comments:
Post a Comment