Day 50 - Weight ????? - Don't Sit in the Pit

Praise God! The revival service at church tonight was awesome. I needed a spiritual re-connect.

I want to thank my CrossFit friends who listened to me today. Debbie, Ali & Cheryl helped me get down to brass tacks about what's going on in my life and how to survive it. I came to CrossFit simply to show up. I sort of mailed in the WOD, but that's what I brought today. What I really wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry or something.

The truth is that I've been depressed lately. I have spent so much energy incorporating CrossFit and Paleo eating into my life, through this challenge, that I have let other things slide, like work and Bible study. I fear telling people about some of what I'm going through because I'm afraid they'll speak things into my life that I don't want to hear. This fear is a lie, a manifestation of the imagined thoughts and actions on behalf of other people who didn't even think or do them yet.

Change is difficult, and I've encountered a lot of change lately as well. It's so draining.

I also hope to adhere to a more disciplined routine that starts my day earlier, but there's a hurdle to hop: I seem to have developed a fear of lack of sleep. The importance of sleep cannot be overstated, but I think my fear that I won't get enough is overblown. That tired-in-the-day feeling actually scares me. I need perspective.

Also, I didn't much feel like eating today. I still managed to eat plenty


Menu
Breakfast (2 blocks)
- 110 g sweet potatoes, 2 oz. chicken, 1 tsp. butter

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 15g chopped nuts, 1 Tara chocolate, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 clementine

More Lunch (5 blocks)
- 3 cups romaine & spinach, 1/2 cup peas, 1/2 cup onions, 2 HB eggs, 2 oz turkey
- 1/3 cup shredded cheese, Low-cal Italian dressing

Dinner-ish (4 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 2 cups spaghetti squash

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

I still haven't done my writing. Tuesday... or Wednesday. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 26

Day 48 & 49 - Weight ??? - Not Ready to Go

Here I am at 4 a.m., realizing I didn't post the other day, having trouble sleeping and not sure why. I feel sort of in limbo. Going to my brother's house is always hard on me. I used to drink there a lot, so when I come home it's like I feel guilty even if I didn't do anything. It's part of what's keeping me awake.

I just figured out the other thing... I'm not ready. I came home so late that I didn't get a chance to be home. I'm not ready to face the week yet. God help me. Monday is here and I am begging to hit the reset button. I am so wound up about it that I want to throw up. It was awesome, though--the boys begged my wife to stay up and greet me. I brought Kevin's new bike home from Mom & Dad's as a surprise, which was fun. Brad did a great job in the kitchen and wanted to show it off, then show me some one-man  hunting blinds and stands online. They love me, and I love them. We're a family and it's such a wonderful blessing. What's wrong with me? I feel so broken. I have work to do and it's sort of due, and I feel horrible that I didn't do it last week, but you know what? It's fine. I can get it done this week and all that. I just seem to be in the mood to beat myself up. Gotta stop that.

I ate only the food I brought over the weekend but I got caught up in everything and didn't mark it down anywhere. I didn't eat it all; I just was doing my thing and having fun, then realized I didn't eat it all. I tried to explain to my brother about CrossFit and he might be interested. I don't know. This weekend is like a whirlwind.

Some days it takes a lot of courage to be Kevin. Some moments, like now... here I am, exposing myself to the world, in pain and wondering what to do next. I'll get back to regular posting this morning later. Gotta get back into the swing one way or another. As I've heard so often, and know is true: This too shall pass. My enemy wants me to fold, to toss in the towel, and I won't do it. I don't know for sure how it's all gonna play out but I know God will carry me through. I'll weigh in and get back on the horse. All will be well.

Saturday reconstructed:
Breakfast (5 blocks)

- 3 eggs, 1 kiwi fruit, 1 cup strawberries, 2 Tara chocolates

Snack (1 block)

- 1 HB egg, 1 clementine, 1 Tara chocolate

Lunch (5 blocks)

- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

- 4 blocks shrimp, chicken & pork, 1 egg

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 cup Chan chili, 1 cup spaghetti squash

Snack (1 block)
- 1 oz. chicken, 55g sweet potatoes, 1/2 tsp. butter

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 26

Sunday:

Snack (1 block)

- 1 HB egg, 1 clementine, 1 Tara chocolate

Lunch (5 blocks)

- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

- 4 blocks shrimp, chicken & pork, 1 egg

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 cup Chan chili, 1 cup spaghetti squash

 

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 26

Day 47 - Weight 295.2 lbs. - Ready to Go

I'm glad the day's over. Not much to say... I'm hoping to enjoy the weekend with my brother at our fantasy baseball draft, where I'll hit the gym with him and be the one cooking dinner. I'll try to keep up with posts while I'm gone.

I've managed to drop the dairy down to almost nothing, and reduce fruit as well. We'll see how that goes over the coming weeks. And mad props to John for sitting at home and enjoying movies today... can't wait to see him back in the box!

Menu

Breakfast (4 blocks)

- 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries, 10g nuts, 1 tsp. olive oil

- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1 egg, 1 oz. chicken

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 Kiwi fruit, 2 oz. chicken

- 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 1 Tara chocolate

Snack (1 block)

- 1 HB egg, 1 clementine, 1 Tara chocolate

Lunch (5 blocks)

- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

- 4 blocks shrimp, chicken & pork, 1 egg

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 cup Chan chili, 1 cup spaghetti squash

Dinner (~4 blocks)

- 1 cup Chan chili, 2 HB eggs, 1/2 oz. natural deli meat, 3 nuts, 1 Tara chocolate

Snack (1 block)
- 1 oz. chicken, 55g sweet potatoes, 1/2 tsp. butter

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 1

Total points so far: 26

Day 46 - Weight 297.2 lbs. - Go Dog, Go

I've been thinking about John at CrossFit today, who underwent rotator cuff surgery (successful, he's doing fine), and how I am blessed by the people in my life. Several have come in the door through CrossFit.

The word "blessed" is often defined as "happy," but that isn't quite right. It's more like, "contentedly confident and effusively grateful because of bestowed provision." Or something like that. There is no time in life where it is inappropriate to be grateful for one's blessings, shared and received. A grateful heart has no room for conceit.

I did not get things done today like I wanted, but I got other things done, and it was somewhat relaxing. CrossFit is the focus of my life right now, and as the challenge winds down I'm working on changing that. I may not be able to do some of this the way I want to, but this challenge may have dramatically and permanently changed my life. It has given me a much-needed glimpse into my potential, as well as growing relationships with people who can show me the way. My Christian walk has been like that as well. And it's never as one-sided as it seems. Giving honors all parties involved, and receiving is just one way of looking at the equation.

I have been given so much. God, I ask you to guide me as I try to wisely use what I've been given, to help me give it to others, and to remember where I got it from. It made me wonder how one attains level 1 CrossFit certification, and in response to that musing I checked it out. Since I enjoy the distinction of having a lapsed personal trainer certification, perhaps one day in the not-too-distant future I will have a non-lapsed CrossFit level 1. As they say on the various websites, that kind of thing is good for serious CrossFit people regardless of the intention to train others or become owners.

Menu

Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cantaloupe, 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 oz. chicken

- 20g chopped nuts, 2/3 tbsp. agave nectar

Snack (4 blocks)

- 2 cups Chan chili, 1-2/3 cup spaghetti squash

Lunch (5 blocks)

- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

- 4 blocks shrimp, chicken & pork, 1 egg

Dinner (5 blocks)

- 2 cups spaghetti squash, 1+ cups Chan chili, 2 oz. chicken, 1 Tara chocolate
- 4 nuts, 1 oz. natural deli meat
night tea! Woohoo!

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

I didn't get to the writing at all so I'm writing tomorrow. A lot. Yay. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 25

Day 45 - Weight 295.2 lbs. - Again, with the WODs!

Prayers and props out to my pal John going in for shoulder surgery tomorrow. I think he's more nervous than he might like to let on. I also think he's gonna rock the house. We love you, John.

Three WODs in a row is a lot, but it's also something that can be done. Yeah, I'm kinda sore all the time. Yeah, I am sometimes wondering how much of my energy should be focused on this CrossFit thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Complaining is in my nature but my nature is changing. God is great. I'm less sore than I used to be and I recover more rapidly. Once I further grease the groove with this exercise and eating stuff it'll take less work and energy--it'll still be hard work but won't be so tough on my day.

My body does not feel like I did three WODs and an endurance homework over the last three days. This is apparently due to my hard work in the gym; smart work in the gym; learning to self-massage with a lacrosse ball; eating paleo; resting regularly, and getting plenty of sleep. This stupid Paleo eating works. John & Cheryl at CrossFit joked that I was forced to rest Thursday. I feel so good now that I almost don't want to rest. I think I can physically do five WODs a week plus two endurance homeworks. It may not be feasible time-wise, but who knows?

My wife Alice did her first real WOD today and kicked it hard. She felt guilty finishing first, like she must've done something wrong. hahaha  The heavier weights will come, Terkey Gerl!

Patience, Daniel-san.

Anyway, I get Thursday off. In a few short days we'll have one week left. Oh, and by the way, I saw 295 on the scale today.

Menu

Breakfast (4 blocks)

- 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries, 10g nuts, 1 tsp. olive oil

- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 oz. chicken

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 Kiwi fruit, 2 oz. chicken

- 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 1 Tara chocolate

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 cup Chan chili, 1 cup spaghetti squash

Lunch (5 blocks)

- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

- 4 blocks shrimp, chicken & pork, 1 egg

Snack (1 block)

- 1 Tricia egg thingie, 1/4 cup peas, (1/4 tsp. coconut oil)

Dinner (~4 blocks)

- 1-2/3 cups spaghetti squash, 1+ cups Chan chili, 2 oz. chicken, 1 Tara chocolate, 4 nuts

Snack (3 blocks)
- 3 oz. natural deli turkey w/mustard, snow peas, ~1 tbsp. c-raisins, 5 nuts, 1/2 tsp. coconut oil

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

I will be resting tomorrow by writing a ton. Yay. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 1

Total points so far: 25

Day 44 - Weight 296.2 lbs. - Oh God, Not Another WOD

I wanted to make five WODs this week and now I'm torn. Here I am, poised to get Wednesday in tomorrow (three in a row, what's wrong with me?), and I realize that Saturday was planned to take place in Saratoga. I want to go to the gym with my brother and show off a bit, working hard and doing cool things. If so, I'd skip the Saturday WOD and any endurance homework which, I admit, I probably don't push as hard on because it's new to me. I could do the Saturday WOD and then endurance homework at the gym with my brother--after all, he said he usually just does cardio on Saturday--but I wanted to do something else my way. WAAAAHH! (lying on floor kicking and screaming)

Either way I guess it's not a big deal. I don't know. I really wanted to have at least one five-WOD week before the challenge ended. If I save the endurance homework for the afternoon in Saratoga, maybe that's better, and I can do whatever I want otherwise--even a few heavy lifts or push-ups or whatever--because the WOD and stuff will be over. That's what I'll do. It'll make everything simpler.
Maybe I'll see 295 on the scale tomorrow, huh? Either way, I press on.


Menu

Breakfast (4 blocks)

- 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries, 10g nuts, 1 tsp. olive oil

- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 oz. chicken

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 Kiwi fruit, 2 oz. chicken

- 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 1 Tara chocolate

Snack (2 blocks)

- 1 cup Chan chili, 1 cup spaghetti squash

Lunch (5 blocks)

- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

- 4 blocks shrimp, chicken & pork, 1 egg

Snack (1 block)

- 1 Tricia egg thingie, 1/4 cup peas, (1/4 tsp. coconut oil)

Dinner (4 blocks)

- 1+ cups Chan chili, 1-3/4 cups zucchini spaghetti, 1/3 tsp. olive oil, 1/4 cup greek yogurt

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

I think for a while I'm gonna drop the nighttime tea with agave nectar. I want to sleeeeeep. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 1

Total points so far: 24

Day 43 - Weight 298.2 lbs. - Two Weeks Left?

Today was about discovery. I may not be able to do five WODs a week regularly but I want to try it at least once, and this is the week, I think. I tried before and life got in the way. Work appears to be building up so the future doesn't look good. I guess it's now or never.

The Monday WOD, Chelsea, was a different kind of grueling but I discovered a different kind of strength by fighting through it. I worked as hard and as well as I could. Afterward I had a little trouble coming down from it, so I grabbed a basketball and headed into the gym across from the men's locker room. As I walked around dribbling and shooting free throws, I calmed down and stated feeling better. I felt so good that I ran around here and there. I tried lay-ups and funky running flip shots like skilled players do. Despite not being a skilled player, I dropped more through the hoops than I thought I would. I tried moving around like I had game, with equally surprising results. Mind you, I've never really had game. But when I considered that reality it freed me. I had nothing to compare myself to except me. And as I moved, shook, and shot, I rocked it. I was Michael friggin' Jordan--or rather the kids on the block you used to smoke me and laugh (except I didn't laugh. I'm not a jerk like that). I went into the locker room feeling like a million bucks even if, to an observer, I might have looked somewhat foolish at best.

I've also been trying very hard to shed the mentality that in two weeks this will be over. This is turning out to be less a matter of adopting an attitude, and more one of embracing reality. In reality, I will be doing what works for me--a combination of that which fits my lifestyle and that which gives results. I can no longer deny this thing called Paleo but I have to work within what I can do; yet I find myself more willing to sacrifice this or that when doing so provides such an obvious benefit. In truth, there's nothing to shed but pounds and fears.

This week I'm cutting fruit down and reducing dairy. I had 5 blocks (protein) of dairy, which is not as low as I wanted so I'm going to do three tomorrow. If I can stick with three, doing one per day next week won't be so hard. My four fruit (carb) blocks is better reduced to three, which also happens tomorrow, in the hope that I can manage two per day next week (not counting a recovery clementine if I need it).

I cannot see myself ever completely dropping dairy and certainly not fruit. I don't care what any self-styled CrossFit Paleo guru might lay on me, dairy can be a great and healthy source of protein and calcium, and fruit is tremendously healthy for us. And beside that, I didn't get fat eating fruit and yogurt. But if great things happen as I drop more fruit and dairy, then giving that same faceless CrossFit Paleo guru a double-fisted one-finger salute doesn't fly.

And I want to fly, so I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)

- 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tsp. olive oil

- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 10g chopped nuts

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 kiwi fruit, 1 string cheese stick, 1 oz. natural deli meat, 2 Tara chocolates

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 clementine, 2 oz. natural deli meat, 6 nuts, 3/4 cup snow peas

Lunch (5 blocks)
- 2-1/2 cups Chan chili, 2-1/2 cups spaghetti squash

Snack (1 blocks)
- 1/2 cup Chan chili, 1/2 cup spaghetti squash

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 3 blocks chicken & shrimp, 1 egg, 10g chopped nuts, 2/3 tsp. butter

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

I'll definitely be happy when the challenge is over, but I'm happier that the good things I'm doing never have to end. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 1 (gotta count that dark chocolate!)

Total points so far: 23

Day 42 - Weight 297.4 lbs. - Building to Monday, pt. III

Nights are getting better. I need that because sleep is essential. I also would like one more day of weekend, please... not holding out hope on that one.

My weight goes up sooner or later; the yo-yo is so much less of a big deal now. I need the daily accountability more than I need to be shielded from the inevitable ups and downs, even if a perfectly good eating and exercise day doesn't yield the immediate results this old drunk would like to see. In fact, if I go too long without seeing a stall I almost wonder if something's wrong, then I drop the subject.

By April 4, when this is "over," I'd like to have seen 289 on the scale. I cannot will that into being but if tightening up on the eating, going all out in CrossFit, properly managing stress, getting plenty of sleep, and pressing in with prayer... well, let's just say it won't be because I didn't leave it all on the field. I'm not responsible for the results, only for the effort. I won't be crying if I only get to 292, that's for sure.


Menu:
Breakfast (5 blocks)

- 3 eggs, 2 oz. natural deli meat, 1 grapefruit, 1/2 cup peas, 2 Tara chocolates, 6 nuts,
- 1/2 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 tsp. olive oil

Lunch (5 blocks)
- 3 cups fry mix, 1/3 cup peas, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 4 oz. chicken, 1 egg, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. butter

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 string cheese stick, 1 oz. natural deli meat, 1 Tara chocolate, 3 nuts, 1 tbsp. c-raisins

Snack (2 blocks)
-  1 Tara chocolate, 1 cup Chan chili, 1 oz. natural deli meat

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 2 cups Spaghetti Squash, 1 Tara chocolate

night tea w/ agave nectar

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Tomorrow's a big day. We'll see how it goes. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 22

Day 41 - Weight 296.8 lbs. - Building to Monday, pt. II

I get sick of hearing how my aches are best managed by moving around, not laying around. Can't argue with reality, though, not if you expect to get what you're going for. And boy, am I getting what I came for with this CrossFit thing. I snatched a 53 lb. kettlebell today--right only, my left couldn't hang--just to see if I could. It isn't a working weight yet but it's real. That's a small taste of what happens to me there.

I don't think I'll see 300 ever again. For real. My mother-in-law is visiting us and we thought about taking her out to Avicolli's tonight, but decided against it. I'd love a spaghetti dinner and it certainly wouldn't kill me. On the other hand, if I eat like that for even one night, I may hold water from all the carbs. If that happens I may see 300 and I'd rather not, thanks. In two weeks the challenge will be over and meals like that'll take on a different, better meaning with no honest downside. Until then, I'm holding on tight. I want God's best so I'm giving Him mine.

My eating's all out of whack from the paleo lunch today with my CrossFit people. It wasn't easy to block that out, but the food was "approved" so that matters little. I took the same attitude this evening.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)

- 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tsp. olive oil

- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 10g chopped nuts

Lunch (~8 blocks)
- Paleo food at the luncheon, blocks are a guess! I thought I was low on fat so I ate 2 Tara chocolates and a few nuts to make sure I was covered.

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 5+ oz. rotisserie chicken w/skin, 110g sweet potatoes, ~2/3 cup peas, 1-1/2 tsp. butter, 1 Tara chocolate

Snack (2 blocks)
2 clementines, 2 string cheese sticks, 2 Tara chocolates
night tea w/ agave nectar
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

I. Want. Rest. But. Rest. Hurts. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 22

Day 40 - Weight 297.4 lbs. - Building to Monday

I'm definitely happy to see 297 on the scale, and that makes me wonder if I'll ever see 300 again. Ever. I am beginning to believe. Cheryl at CrossFit sort of scolded me on that account. I don't blame her. I was expressing doubt and I ought not do that in the face of such overwhelming evidence. But the fact is that it really doesn't matter much. If the scale said 300.2 tomorrow, I'd know it was an abberration, not the result of my own failure. I'm doing my best.

Today's WOD was tough and I felt like I brought nothing to the table. I asked for help and got what I needed. I praise God that it went so well. I finished last but I used a very heavy kettlebell and performed overhead squats in a WOD for the first time (for me, anyway). Some exercises are very skill-oriented and it takes a long time to get "there." Weight loss also requires time, patience, diligence, and hard work.

I expect my weight to continue to hop up and down with a general downward trend, and if it seems to stop dead for some reason we'll break that plateau by re-examining my eating or soemthing like that. I'm tightening the strictness next week and even more so for the last week; I will continue my strictness for at least a few more weeks because I want to see what happens! I will, of course, celebrate the end of the challenge with a meal out. I am thinking sushi and sashimi, but that's a bridge to cross later.
I do not see myself departing much from this path. I like what I'm getting. And so I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)

- 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tsp. olive oil

- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 10g chopped nuts

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 85% chocolate, 1 clementine, 2 string cheese sticks, 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 1/3 tsp. coconut oil

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 grapefruit, 2 string cheese sticks, 6 nuts

Lunch (6 blocks)
- 4-1/2 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 2 tsp. butter, 7.5 oz. shrimp, 1 egg

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 3-1/2 cups fry mix, 1-1/2 tsp. butter, 4.5 oz. pork

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

TGIF. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 22

Day 39 - Weight 299.2 lbs. - No CrossFit Today... YAY!

Only eighteen challenge days left. I will be glad it's over. Winning, whatever that means... I can remember really wanting to win at one point. Now all I want to do is grow. When the challenge is over I'll be eating as close to strict paleo as ever! To me, that's a big deal because usually you start strong and end crappy. Not this time... my last two weeks are going to be the best two weeks. I'm already planning it. I want daily dairy and fruit but in minimal quantities, a manageable variety of fats each day, more meat and less cheese, plus 8 to 10 or more quarts of water daily, without fail. This will take supreme planning and my efforts so far have seemed to fall short.

I updated my point total with the chocolate points today. Only +16 to the current total. I had expected worse. I think I'm gonna keep eating it but not often, maybe a few times a week. After the challenge I'm gonna keep moving forward but making a few different choices. Some concessions are good for me, some aren't, and hopefully I will have learned more about that by the end.

I'm learning so much, and there's so much more to learn but I want whatever will work. This is so good for me, it tastes so good, and I'm loving it. I just wish my back would settle down.

And so I press on, hurting back or no.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 2/3 tbsp. agave nectar, 1/2 cantaloupe
- 10g chopped nuts, 2/3 tsp. olive oil
Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 85% chocolate, 1 kiwi fruit (tarantula butt), 2 oz. chicken, 1/2 tsp. almond butter
- 1 Tara chocolate
Snack (2 blocks)
- 110g sweet potatoes, 2 oz. chicken, 1 tsp. butter
Lunch (4 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 1/2 cup greek yogurt,

Snack (4 blocks)
- lettuce & spinach mix, 1/2 cup grapefruit, 1/2 cup mushrooms, 1 tsp. oil, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1 egg
- 3 oz. turkey, 1/4 cup shredded cheese
Dinner (2 blocks)
- 1 cup Chan chili, 1 cup green beans, 1 Tara chocolate
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

No, I didn't eat this in one day, but to be honest I have to add it! Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0 +16 for old chocolate not previously counted.

Total points so far: 22

Day 38 - Weight 300.0 lbs. - What I MEANT Was...

What I MEANT to say yesterday was, "I think WEDNESDAY morning will be the last time I see 300 on the scale."  hahaha

I'm so tired and beat. Judging WODs these days seems impossible. When I'm done I need to recover but I'm not as destroyed as I was, and it makes me wonder if I'm working hard enough sometimes. Yet when I try to do anything else right after, my body's inability to work as well as it normally would tells me that perhaps I did bust my butt. Maybe I'm getting what they keep saying I'll get. I'm not used to this or ready for it but here it is anyway. I worked for it and thank God for the results.

My body definitely wants a rest and it will likely get a good 47 hours of it, right up until Friday's CrossFit. I intend to listen to my body because I'd like to lose weight and build muscle for my trouble. I'm less able to tolerate hiccups in my life because I work so hard and am, for me, so very busy. As I look at this challenge and my life I realize that I'll probably be more dialed in at the end than at any time during the challenge. It's taken me that long to move that far. That's how it goes I guess.

And so I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 string cheese, 15g chopped nuts, 1/2 tsp. olive oil
- 1 tsp. almond butter, 2/3 tsp. olive oil, 1 Tara chocolate, 1/2 cup blackberries

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 85% chocolate, 1 clementine, 2 string cheese sticks, 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 1/3 tsp. coconut oil

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 grapefruit, 2 string cheese sticks, 6 nuts

Lunch (6 blocks)
- 3 cups fry mix, 1 small apple, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 15g chopped nuts, 5 oz. chicken
- 2/3 tsp olive oil, 1/3 tsp. coconut oil, 1 egg

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 1 cup zucchini spaghetti, 1/2 cup sauce
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Hopefully, what my body needs in order to lose weight is rest. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6+ whatever

Day 37 - Weight 300.2 lbs. - Time To Pay the Piper?

I liked today's WOD, if "like" is an appropriate word to use in such a case. My back needs some help, though. It's cool. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm never gonna see 300 on the scale after this morning. I trust I won't get too wound up in it but I want to acknowledge my feelings.

Maybe I'll catch up with myself soon, and get a few things done like counting my chocolate points, planning a menu with less dairy and fruit, you know, stuff like that.


Menu:
Breakfast (5 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 string cheese, 1 small apple, 1 tbsp. c-raisins
- 1 tsp. almond butter, 2/3 tsp. olive oil, 1 Tara chocolate, 1/2 cup blackberries

Snack (1 block)
- 1 block 85% chocolate, 1 string cheese stick, 1 tsp. almond butter

Lunch (5 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 1 cup green beans, 1/2 cup sauce, 1/3 tsp. olive oil, 10g chopped nuts
- 1/3 cup shredded mozzarella

Snack (2 blocks)
- 3/4 cup snow peas, 1 clementine, 6 nuts, 2 string cheese sticks

Dinner (5 blocks)
- 5 oz. chicken, 1 cup green beans, 220g sweet potatoes, 2. tsp. butter
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Another one in the books. Next Monday we'll only have two weeks left. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6+ whatever

Day 36 - Weight 300.6 - I Don't Like Mondays Like This

Tough end to the weekend, tough beginning to the week, I guess. You do what you have to do to keep going. My weight is doing its thing and I don't even care. I have so much in the way of bigger fish to fry. One of these days it'll seem normal again. Life goes on. I slept maybe 2 hours last night. Ugh. Lots going on but I'll live. My food is low today--just happened that way. I think I'll survive that, too.

I'm hoping to make Tuesday's WOD. We'll see what work brings. I should be good to go but who knows? I already got torpedoed once. Either way it's still about putting one foot in front of the other. And so I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (2 blocks)
- 2 Tricia meatballs, 1/2 cup sauce

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 sm. apple

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 1 bag broccoli slaw

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 2/3 cup peas, 1 string cheese stick, 5g chopped nuts

Snack (3 blocks)
- 2 string cheese sticks, 1/2 cup Chan chili, 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 6 nuts
Night tea with agave nectar

Total water consumption: 6+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Glad to put this day in the books and maybe get some of the sleep I missed out on last night. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6+ whatever

Day 35 - Weight 300.2 - Sundays Are Not For Eating

Okay, I could've titled this installment "Fun With Numbers" but to heck with that. I have too much to do to watch the yo-yo do its thing.

This coming week I had hoped to hit five WODs and two endurance homework days. We'll see how that goes but it's looking grim. I'm publishing this at 4 a.m. because between the time change, an ill-advised cup of coffee late, and a rather disastrous problem with my latest article (not my fault but I get to help fix it!), I now have no clue what the first few days of this week will be like. Nor do I know if I'll get sleep today.

Also, I figured out that the dark chocolate is actually a point, so I'm going to go back and add up my point total. Then I'm going to be a bit more careful, but really, I might still eat it almost daily. In small amounts dark chocolate is great for your health, and convenient to make into a snack. Plus, if soemthing's working, why screw it up?

At some point I'd like to cut my dairy consumption by half, and try to reduce fruit as well. If I can plan and prepare enough ahead of time, perhaps I can pull it off for this final three week stretch and really kick tail for the sprint to the finish. Or work stuff will keep popping up. It's amazing how you think something is impossible and yet, it happens. Good and bad. Yet I cannot help but be proud of myself. This isn't about perfection or winning, it's about living better, and I guess that's happening. I've weathered these storms without binge eating, quitting exercise, binge drinking, flights of anger, pits of depression that last for days, tossing my Bible, or whatever would define the old Kevin from way way back when. When the fan sends it flying, I seem to lean on the very things I used to run from. I knew those things were good for me, yet I ran because they weren't easy. Hard on the front end, easier on the back end.


Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 string cheese, 1 small apple, 1 tbsp. c-raisins
- 10g chopped nuts, 1/3 tsp. coconut oil, 1/3 tsp. olive oil

Snack (1 block)
- 1.5 oz. chicken, 1/2 tsp. coconut oil, 1 clementine

Snack (1 block)
- 1 block 85% chocolate, 1 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 tsp. almond butter

Snack (3 blocks)
- 155g sweet potatoes, 3 oz. steak leftovers, 1 tsp. butter

Dinner (6-8 blocks?)
- ceviche, a grilled mahi mahi fillet, broccoli w/butter, a little edamame (peas)

Total water consumption: 6+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Okay, I discovered that the dark chocolate is a point, so in a day or two I'll update my points count, but for now... Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6+ whatever

Day 34 - Weight 299.8 lbs. - Now... for a Weekend Full of Things to Do

Over the next few days I hope to solidify and widen the gap between me and that hated 300 lb. mark, God willing. There may be a bit of a rollercoaster ride in my future because there always seems to be one at some point. I am preparing for it to happen right now, but if it waits another ten pounds, that'd suit my purposes so that's what I'm hoping for. Neither circumstance changes what I have to do.

Today was a different kind of rollercoaster ride known as "Life with Kids." If I didn't have a work assignment to write today, with related doctor interview to conduct, it'd be business as usual. Unfortunately, usual business around here is a challenge of not only organization and improved execution, but of excision as well. In other words, we have too much going on so we have to learn to work smarter, prioritize, and dump whatever we can. Simplify, man! I expect to have a more managable life schedule in the future because I'm throwing my work goal of breaking the six-figure mark out the window. If it happens, it happens, and I'm not throwing work itself out, I'm just making sure the hurrying and scurrying is kept to a minimum. I strongly believe that improvements in my quality of life will stimulate growth in every facet of my existence: spiritual, sobriety, family, health & fitness, and work. In that order.

I may reach my work goal this year. We'll get out of debt without starving, that's for sure. So what's this got to do with anything?

I feel like I'm just learning to live. I've been struggling with everything and making progress for about ten years now, but that's all been learning to learn at a crawl. Now, here I am, embracing change in every phase of life. It's overwhelming. It's a revolution. There's no going back because not only do I like what I'm getting on all fronts, I'm learning how to deal with it. In the past I either did it wrong or couldn't handle it. Now I bring every tool to bear. This stuff right here is one part of that larger picture, but it is such an essential piece. Nothing has dogged me as long as weight and fitness issues have.

God bless you all. My post tomorrow may be minimal, aside from a menu.
Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1 block of 85% chocolate, 1/2 tsp. almond butter, 1 string cheese, 1 small apple, 3 eggs, 1 oz. cheese
- 1/2 cup peppers & onions, 1 cup of broccoli, 3 nuts, 1/2 tsp. olive oil

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 cup Chan chili, 1/3 cup peas

Lunch (6 blocks)
- 1 cup Chan chili, 4 Tricia meatballs, 2/3 cup peas, 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 15g chopped nuts

Snack (1 block)
4 Tricia meatballs, 3 nuts, a few c-raisins

Dinner (~5 blocks)
- 6 oz. sirloin steak, 3 cups broccoli, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 tsp. butter, 1/2 tsp. coconut oil

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea

Another one bites the dust. Is week six really almost here? Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 33 - Weight 300.6 lbs. - Thank God It's Friday?

I see 300...  woohoo!

After a face-twisting WOD I did four good pushups today, in a row, in front of my peeps at CrossFit. It was cool. I haven't done that in twenty years. Everyone else tried them afterward. I love seeing people excited about fitness, especially when I'm one of them. Then, in the locker room, some guys were chatting me up and asking about what I'm doing. I've encouraged this one old heavy guy with a cane repeatedly for over a year now, that he can lose weight, too, at whatever pace God allows, if he wants to. Today, he asked about CrossFit over and over. How much does it cost? When do they do it? When is class? What do we do there? If there's anyone a normal person would steer away from CrossFit, it's this guy. But how could I refuse to encourage him? I can't imagine what he'd have to go through with us. He's gotta be 60+ years old, if not 70+, and he weighs so much, and has that cane. But I've heard over and over how it's for anybody who wants to push themselves--just that it's scaled to the person and what's possible for them to do. He asked about the eating, too, so I told him. I didn't push him, just told him. I don't think he knew what to make of it and I don't know what he'll do, but the light in his eyes was real. I hope that whatever he does, he does something, because it all starts there. And I discovered that other guys in the gym have encouraged him, too. Is it enough? I will have to remember him in my prayers, and in my daily walk. Perhaps I'll see him again soon.

I beat my 1 minute burpee count (squat thrust style) today as well, in honor of Ashley's birthday. I busted my hump to beat 14 (I got 16), then switched back to my scaled-down version so I'd have something left for the WOD. I could have gotten at least one more if I'd have worked harder, but I was afraid for my knees and, well, just afraid. When we do the final benchmark WODs I hope to add to the count and show more growth. What if I did 17 or even 18? They're so hard for me, and they suck the life out of me like nothing else.

I managed to survive today's WOD as well, praise Jesus. I didn't do the KB clean & press ladder quite correctly--in my defense I did what I've always done, so I'll ask next time--but I did 182 1-handed kettlebell swings in 8 minutes. It was about half what the others did, and could have done better, but I was scared out of my wits. On the other hand I did use the 35 lb. bell, which is a big deal for me. Also, for the C&Ps, I used a 26 lb. bell, which is the most ever for me, especially considering a three rep ladder done five times (which is also my longest ladder). Really, if I had done it the way they had planned, it might have been easier for me, so I don't feel too bad. It was hard work either way.

I continue to contort my visage in fear, struggling to wrap my noggin around the reality of change that can be so hard to accept. I life more and more weight. I endure longer and recover faster. I feel better and better. More and more people come up to me and encourage me. God is truly blessing me and I am so thankful. I guess if you're doing the right thing long enough, that's what happens. I will never go back.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 tsp. olive oil, 5g chopped nuts
- 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 cup strawberries, 1 cup broccoli

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 clementine

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 cup zucchini spaghetti , 1 cup Chan chili

Late Lunch (6 blocks)
- 2 cups Chan chili, 4 Tricia meatballs, 1 apple, 1 Tara chocolate, 1/3 cup peas
Dinner (4 blocks)
- 220g sweet potatoes, 4 oz. chicken, 1-1/2 tsp. butter
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


Okay... gotta publish this early because I have Youth Center tonight, and when I get home I'm hitting the sack. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 32 - Weight 301.4 lbs. - A New Goal to Add to the Pile

I have a new goal in my head. I came up with it yesterday, although it has been bouncing around between my ears for several months, I think. Anyone know what the APFT is?

I never passed the APFT (Army Physical Fitness Test) during basic training, so I failed. Before they could make me take it again, I got out because of a medical issue. It was during the first Gulf War. I was actually in basic training at Ft. Dix, N.J. the day Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. My tenure in the Army Reserve, during my first year of college, basically consisted of weekend duty each month, where they didn't know what to do with me, and eventually a waiting period before being given an honorable discharge. The whole thing was a mess from day one, and represents the first major failure in my life. I loved the military but hated my failure, so I began to look upon myself with disgust. I had always had weight issues which, for a brief time before I joined the USAR, had been conquered, but it wasn't long before I was big again. Drinking became an issue, and after a few years I felt compelled to drop out of college, even though my grades were not failing. Thus began my descent into alcoholism.

I don't know exactly what Army basic training standards are for a 19-year-old male in push-ups, sit-ups, and the two-mile run. They're less than those of a fully-trained soldier. At the time, I could pass push-ups and barely missed the run time; it was push-ups I could not come close to hitting the mark on.

What I want to do is pass the APFT to at least the minimum standards of a trained, 19-year-old male soldier. That means being able to complete 42 or more push-ups in two minutes, do 53 or more sit-ups in two minutes, and finish a two-mile run in 15:54 or less. I do not know how long it will take me to get there, and I do not plan on training for that specifically for a few months at least--I have other fish to fry.

I'd like to not only beat it, but destroy it. Being 40 or 41 years old and meeting the US Army minimum standards for basic physical fitness for a 19-year-old would help me lay to rest one of the most disappointing periods in my life. I think that's a worthy goal--scary but exciting.

Maybe someday I'll be able to climb a rope and do real pull-ups, too.


Menu:
Breakfast (3 blocks)
- 165g sweet potatoes, 3 oz. chicken, 1 tsp. butter

Snack (3 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 2/3 tsp. coconut oil, 5g chopped nuts
- 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tbsp. c-raisins

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 clementine

Lunch (5 blocks)
- 2 cups zucchini spaghetti , 1 cup Chan chili, 1/2 cup sauce, 4 Tricia meatballs
- 1/3 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, 2/3 tsp. olive oil

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 1-1/4 cup cauliflower, 1 cup green beans, 1 cup fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 4.5 oz. shrimp, 1 egg
- 1 tsp. butter, 5g chopped nuts

Total water consumption: 8+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I feel like I'm back. Friday's WOD, here I come. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 31 - Weight 302.0 lbs. - Big Push to Crack 300

I don't know for sure how I will do it but I'm gonna crack 300 for good. That's my next goal--not doing WODs, not doing MM workouts, not dieting. I'm going to turn my whole fitness effort toward losing weight below 295 as quickly as possible. I'll still do the other stuff, I'm just gonna tweak the work and eating toward dropping those annoying few pounds that dog me.

The simple reason for this is that I have decided to let God, through CrossFit training, determine how my body changes between now and forever. I will be eating right more than most of the time, and will make good food choices for life. I will work to grow fit and let fat fall away in God's time, not mine. But I'm asking Him right now to guide me below 300 for good because that number has haunted me forever, it seems. I have the strong feeling that having my weight begin with a "2" in the hundreds place will make it easier to relax and enjoy this ride, to help me take the struggles to heart. And I've struggled, hoping to lose weight faster than I have, becoming disappointed because I really wanted to see 300 go bye-bye sooner than this. I'm tired of feeling like that. I figure if I work hard toward the goal of dropping weight for a short time, then push myself as I continue CrossFit, I think I can count on staying below 300 for good if I get below 295. If by some mechanism it climbs back up, well, I will live with it. If I'm busting my butt and get below 295 I don't think I'll have to worry much.



Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 tsp. olive oil, 5g chopped nuts
- 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 cup broccoli, 1 cup strawberries, 1 clementine

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 clementine

Snack (2 blocks)
- 110g sweet potatoes, 2 oz. chicken, 1 tsp. butter

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 1-1/2 cups spaghetti squash, 2 cups Chan chili

Snack (2 blocks)
- 3/4 cups snow peas, 1 apple, 4 nuts, 1/3 tsp. coconut oil, 2 oz. chicken

Dinner (4 blocks)
-2 Tara chocolates, 1 tsp. butter, 1 egg, 4.5 oz. shrimp, 2 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/3 cup peas


Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I like losing weight. It is very rewarding, like surviving a killer WOD. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 30 - Weight 303.2 lbs. - Yup, It's Getting Hard

Something I may not have mentioned lately is that I'm trying to do everything better these days. CrossFit, paleo eating, and weight loss are just a small part of the journey. And of course, it goes crazy on a week by week basis. This week CrossFit seems to be suffering. Last week it was work. I'm struggling to find balance.

One tactic involves me getting up earlier; I've always been most productive in the wee hours of the morning, and if I bring momentum to my working afternoons I am likely to get more done then, too. If I come into my working afternoon cold, burnt out from a hard day in the gym, trying to find focus, I seem to have trouble. It's not always about discipline, although that always plays a role. Sometimes you have to look at yourself and discover what works for you. Work is important, so why make it hard? In this case I think getting two solid hours of work in each morning, if I can, will help me stay on track; I pray my family life doesn't suffer much. I've been trying to get this going for weeks and I only now seem to have gotten it right, but we'll see how it goes. I want to be sure to get things done, get plenty of sleep, and still coexist with the people in my life.

Getting some things off my plate gives me renewal when life gets heavy, but I still have a WOD tomorrow, and I know I need it. If I miss it, I risk losing myself in some way. It's one thing to be a responsible adult, but I also know that if I'm not vigilant, I become an excuse maker. It's especially important that I carefully plan Wednesday. I have a telephone interview scheduled for 9 a.m. that, if I'm unlucky, could threaten my 10 a.m. CrossFit. I pray it does not. I also have a 5:30 interview, and 6:30 Family Ministry group at church. I have to accept what comes. It's like that song says, "Whatever will be, will be..."

And so I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (3 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 tsp. almond butter, 1/2 tsp. coconut oil
- 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tbsp. c-raisins

Snack (2 blocks)
- 2-1/2 cups cauliflower, 1 tsp butter, 1/8 cup whole milk, 1 tsp. heavy cream, 2 oz. pork

Snack (1 block)
- 3 nuts, 1 oz. pork, 1 small apple

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 clementine

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 1-1/2 cups spaghetti squash, 2 cups Chan chili

Snack (1 block)
- 1 small apple, 1 string cheese stick, 3 nuts

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 1 bag broccoli slaw, 1 cup spaghetti sauce, 4 Tricia meatballs, 2 oz. chicken, 1/2 tsp. olive oil
- 2 Tara chocolates
plus tea with agave nectar

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


Again, this is my journey and right now, I'm very cool with it. Today seemed to work but I have a WOD to tackle tomorrow. We'll see if my food choices help me. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 29 - Weight 306.0 lbs. - Now It Gets Hard

Big day of revelations--stuff many adults learn well long before their 40th birthday, but not me! I'm not trying to be hard on myself here, just real. And humble. Hopefully real humble!   ;)  But yeah, under the mask I sometimes frown.

About a half hour after I posted my blog last night, everything spiraled out of control. We had a bit of trouble with my oldest son, who was understandibly upset and battling disappointment but kept getting out of hand. We were so sad for him, but sometimes life is tough. Then Alice's and my plan to work together to finish food planning and weekly prep crashed when Alice's shoulder, which had been minorly troublesome all day, got scary bad. She went to bed and within minutes was almost in tears. Thank God it was muscular and she was fine by mid-Monday. That ended up consuming me, to say the least and avoid unneccessary detail. I went to bed late, woke up too early, couldn't grab anymore sleep, got up miserable, struggled, and just couldn't deal with anything. I felt so overwhelmed. I wished I had done more writing work last week. I couldn't figure out my day but it was obvious I had to do something, or risk emotional paralysis. So I started doing something, anything, focused on putting one foot in front of the other out of fear that I'd grind to a halt.

Sometimes life is like a boat. It's a lot easier to keep it going than get it going over and over. So I started rowing because anywhere was better than where I was.

I ended up ditching out on CrossFit. The way today went, with the craziness, school closing, wife coming home early, and stuff popping up, something had to give. I'm not thrilled, less so because I have to drop it tomorrow too--my triumphant first five-workout week will have to wait, it seems. I have discipleship class at church, and that takes priority over everything but work and family.

Part of my problem is that I sometimes have trouble discerning when I screwed up and when life just got too hard. I seem to burn myself out lately. I wonder if it's because my plate's too full, or if I just need to work harder, or if I just need to work smarter. Am I doing my best and burning out, or procrastinating and suffering as a result? I know I have to pretty much say "no" to whatever comes my way for a while.

Another big part of the problem is that I still have trouble accepting that not only do I have to make choices in life that I don't like, I have to accept that people might not agree with them. But more than that, the fact that I need not fear the reality of that is a new concept to me. People who matter aren't apt to judge me because they care about me and respect that I'm an adult. And people who are apt to judge everything I do, well, I can't listen to them. The Bible says Jesus did not come into the world to condemn us, so why should I fear human condemnation? I'm just trying to live my life. I used to make excuses for everything because I copped out so often that it was habit. Now I struggle with making adult decisions because there's a part of me that can't easily accept that maybe, just maybe, I'm not cheesing out. Maybe I'm trying really hard. Maybe it might be maybe okay if I screwed up. Who knows?

So there I was, all torn up because I had work to get done that was supposedly going to collapse the house if I didn't do it all by a certain time; broken because I was too burnt to finish my food prep and planning; ashamed because I might have to miss CrossFit; afraid I might not get a precious AA meeting in today; ticked that I had planned my Tuesday CrossFit class but forgotten that I had discipleship class at the same time; disgusted that I hadn't properly prepared for my telephone interview this afternoon... you get the picture. Sometimes you gotta hit the reset button, no matter whose fault it was, or wasn't. So that's what I did. And I survived. I could have freaked out so much that I got nothing out of today. I used to do that all the time. It's called alcoholism. Now, I reach out, and get help, and get back on my feet. I ask God for an extra hand, dust myself off, wipe away the tears, and get going again.

I also realized that as far as the challenge goes, I have to eat as close to paleo as I can, but how I do that is up to me. I can eat as much or as little as I want. I can do this however seems to work for me, using whatever I learn as a guide, but making this fit me. So that's what I'm gonna do.

So I press on. Tuesday's a-comin', and Wednesday after that.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 2/3 tsp. olive oil, 10g chopped nuts
- 1 cup strawberries, 1-1/4 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup blackberries

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 clementine, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2 string cheese sticks

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 3 oz. pork, 1 egg, 1 tsp. butter, 5g chopped nuts

Snack (2 blocks)
- 2-1/2 cups cauliflower, 1 tsp butter, 1/8 cup whole milk, 1 tsp. heavy cream, 2 oz. pork

Dinner (6 blocks)
- 6 oz. chicken breast, 2 fat blocks of Tara chocolates, 1-1/2 tsp. butter
- 165g sweet potatoes, 1 cup green beans
plus tea with agave nectar

Total water consumption: 8+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I haven't heard back yet about my blocking but I decided to try a block or two less each day. I would like to lose weight and I think I can do it that way. If it goes wrong I'll add a block. I have my whole life to work this until I get where I need to go! This is my journey and no one else's. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 28 - Weight 305.6 lbs. - Now We'll REALLY See Who Reads This

So this weekend I ate more chocolate--legally--than I would have before because I needed carb blocks, enjoyed a non-paleo meal and paid the penalty, and am working today to start my Monday with a clean slate. I hurt all over. When I got up this morning my legs hurt from the toes to the hips, dorsal and ventral, whatever. Today I just wanted to get some work done, plan my week's eating, spend some time with my Bible, and make sure I got to bed early enough. It looks like I'll get my wish.

So I press on. Monday's a-comin'.

Menu:
Breakfast (5 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 tsp. coconut oil, 1 block 72% dark chocolate
- 3 nuts, 1 clementine, 1 apple

Snack (1 blocks)
- 3 nuts, 1 string cheese stick, 1 small apple

Snack (1 blocks)
- 3 nuts, 1 string cheese stick, 1 clementine

Lunch (7 blocks)
- 1 cup broccoli, 4 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 small apple, 3 oz. pork, 3 oz. fish, 2 eggs
- 2 tsp. butter, 5g chopped nuts

Dinner (5 blocks)
- 2 cups spaghetti squash, 1 cup sauce, 4 Tricia meatballs, 3 oz. pork, 6 nuts, 2/3 tsp. olive oil

Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I hope a healthy today flushed me for a good tomorrow. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0

Total points so far: 6

Day 27 - Weight 304.6 lbs. - Halfway Home Tomorrow

Did you like my chocolate dinner last night? I got caught up with a friend who is soon to be turning my office closet into a small half-bath, and I was exhausted, so I ended up grabbing whatever was in the fridge and going lame-o on the carbs. Oh well. It's paleo-approved and I'll have planning time Sunday. Today's crazy as well, but not so much. Again, I'll live. Even if I eat a bit too much, or a bit to little, it's not as big a deal as long as I stick to paleo and stay strict like I have been.

Speaking of which, Alice and I got desperate for food today, and being busy from dawn 'til dusk, we ended up at our favorite Mexican place in Oneida, where I ate a halfway paleo meal. And it's no big deal. I won't be doing that again for another 4+ weeks but I had ten blocks to fill, so I think I'll live. I might see water weight for a day or so, but I'll be ready for Monday.

So I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (5 blocks)
- 3 eggs, 1 oz. pork, 1/3 cup shredded cheese, 1 bag pepper mix, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 clementine, 1-1/2 tsp. butter, 1/2 tsp. coconut oil
Snack (2 blocks)
- 6 nuts, 2 string cheese sticks, 1 small apple, 1 clementine

Snack (2 blocks)
- 2/3 tsp. coconut oil, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 block 72% chocolate, 2 string cheese sticks

Dinner (?? blocks)
- Super fajita quesedilla, chile rellenos, spanish rice
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I need a break tomorrow. I'll have time to plan food and life will be normal again. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 5
 Total points so far: 6

Day 26 - Weight 304.6 lbs. - Work Stunk But Otherwise a Great Day!

I've got to hit work Saturday because I just didn't hit it hard enough today I guess. I'll get it done.

Today's WOD was a tough one, but here I am, still living! Afterward John gave me some of his time to talk about what's up--cramps, my future, what to do next, and so on. I need the encouragement, I need the outlet for my fears, I need the guidance and direction. I'm going to start hitting the endurance homework and, after the chat, I now know what to do. There's so much to look forward to; it's scary but I'm up to it. I'll just do what I can.

I did a bit of cardio tonight, or "monostructural movement" for CrossFit snobs, which went well also because I did it. I didn't perform, I didn't write down anything, I just tried something. Alice saw today's WOD after her spin class this evening and wondered if she had perhaps gotten in over her head. Not so! She won't be seeing anything like that for a while, and no matter what it's always scaled up or down to your level.

Thanks to Cheryl & John for today, plus Tricia for more cramp defense eating suggestions (as well as the Chan chili & meatball recipies!). Check out my "no time whacked out" dinner for tonight, by the way.

And so I press on.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tsp. almond butter, 2/3 tsp. coconut oil, 1 kiwi fruit

Snack (4 blocks)
- 55g sweet potatoes, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 clementine, 1 block 85% dark chocolate, 1 tsp. coconut oil, 2 oz. pork, 5g chopped nuts, 2 string cheese sticks

Post CrossFit: 1 clementine

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 3 oz. pork, 1 egg, 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 5g chopped nuts, 1+ tsp. butter

Snack (2 blocks)
- 6 nuts, 3 oz. fish, 1 block raw green beans, 1 small apple

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 tsp. coconut oil, 4.5 oz. fish, 2 blocks 72% dark chocolate, 1 string cheese, 3 nuts
- 1 small apple

Snack (1 block)
- 3 nuts, 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 string cheese stick
Total water consumption: 9+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


Whatever, I'm still psyched about tomorrow's WOD. I'm gonna talk to my CrossFit people about stuff, too. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0


Total points so far: 1

Day 25 - Weight 305.8 lbs. - Alice Takes a Turn

I am definitely going to try to watch my water consumption carefully. On and off yesterday and last night, I had the distinct feeling that my calves were going to cramp. I went to bed dealing with this. I fear and hate it; I used to have problems with calf cramps as a teenager, and from back in the days of heavy drinking, most likely from lack of or depletion of key electrolytes or other vital compounds. To my knowledge, the most likely the culprits behind the cramping are dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, lack of potassium, or lack of stretching.

My wife Alice hit her first CrossFit On Ramp WOD tonight. WHEEEE! I'm psyched. It almost makes me not worry about the cramp thing.
And so I press on. And on.

Menu:
Breakfast (3 blocks)
- 3 eggs, 2 cups spaghetti squash, 1 small apple, 1-1/2 tsp. butter

Snack (3 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tsp. almond butter, 1/2 tsp. coconut oil

Snack (1.5 blocks)
- 3 Tricia meatballs, 1/2 tbsp. c-raisins, 3 nuts

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 4.5 oz. fish, 1 egg, 3 cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 10g chopped nuts, 1 tsp. olive oil

Snack (1.5 blocks)
- 3 Tricia meatballs, 1/2 tbsp. c-raisins, 3 nuts

Snack (1 block)
- 1 oz. cheddar cheese, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 4 nuts

Dinner (5 blocks)
- 1-1/4 cups zucchini spaghetti, 1 cup sauce, 4 Tricia meatballs, 1 oz. pork, 1 string cheese, 5g chopped nuts, 2/3 tsp. olive oil
- 1 block 72% dark chocolate, 1 string cheese, 3 nuts

Total water consumption: 8+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


Whatever, I'm still psyched about tomorrow's WOD. I'm gonna talk to my CrossFit people about stuff, too. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0


Total points so far: 1

Day 24 - Weight 304.6 lbs. - Frustration Abounds

Wow... yesterday's hopes and prayers for today were prophetic. I almost gave in to discouragement this morning because the scale didn't obey me. I was thoroughly bummed, lying in bed, rationalizing how I was gonna skip CrossFit and my AA meeting today because I had a lot of work to do. Last night I made a point to watch sodium intake, skip my tea, and drink water, all in an effort to make sure I had a good weigh-in. Last week I briefly saw about 303.5 on the scale--haven't seen it since--and I want so badly to drop below 300 for good. I guess God had other plans, and one of them is my humility and dedication to the process.

It may seem funny at first glance, but as a lifetime fat person I cannot deny my feelings about weight loss any more than I can deny my inability to conceptualize what the thinner, athletic life will be like. As much as I want the fitness stuff, I want more than anything to see those numbers drop. It's not as if I'm a 150 lb. woman who just doesn't like the way her jeans fit now that she's 36 years old. I'm an obese man and tired of it. I work so hard. I want to finish this challenge under 290 lbs., I'm not sure how to make it happen, and I'm almost to the end of week 4.

In the past I would probably have let this drive me away, but I choose not to be that guy anymore. I left him behind a long time ago. So today I got my butt out of bed early, did a little work to stave off potential excuses, and went about my day as planned. I hit a great WOD at CrossFit and am very happy with my effort. If I had given up today, I would not have had that experience. Sometimes you gotta know when to back off, but for me, often I have to press in and press on. I thank God that I did the right thing. Everything I wrote yesterday is true and I have to live it whether I feel like it or not.

And so I press on. And on.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 3 eggs, 1 string cheese stick, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 apple, 1 clementine, 2/3 tsp. coconut oil, 6 nuts

Snack (4 blocks)
- 1.5 oz. fish, 3 oz. canned tuna, 4 tsp. homemade paleo mayo, 1/2 cup snow peas, 1 grapefruit, 1/2 apple

Snack (3 blocks)
- 1 clementine, 1 cup Chan chili, 1/2 apple, 1 string cheese stick, 5g chopped nuts

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 2 bags frozen pepper & onion mix, 1/3 tsp coconut oil, 1 tsp. butter, 4.5 oz. shrimp, 1 egg

Dinner (3 blocks)
- 3 cups spaghetti squash, 1-1/2 tsp. butter, 4.5 oz. fish

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1-1/2 cups spaghetti squash, 1/2 cup Chan chili, 1/3 tsp. olive oil, 1/4 cup cottage cheese
Total water consumption: 10+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I get to rest on the morrow... NOT! Actually, I'm gonna hit the cardio room while my wife hits her first On Ramp CrossFit class! God bless my wife. Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0


Total points so far: 1

Day 23 - Weight 305.0 lbs. - Don't Stare at the Yo-yo or You'll Get Sick

There I go again. Up goes the weight. I report my weekly column in the Queen Central News tomorrow, so hopefully I weigh less because I love saying I lost weight. Of course I could say it without it actually being true, but that's no fun.

I struggled to avoid CrossFit today. I had a morning cardio workout planned and I arrived after 10 a.m. on purpose, lest I see my pals in the CrossFit room and join them. I don't think I'm ready for five CrossFit WODs a week yet, even if I'm dying to do that. It was hard but I managed... and when I stopped by at the end, after my cardio, I saw the WOD and wished I had taken part. It was good I stayed away. Tomorrow is only a day away.

I am done dealing with the Boilermaker for a few weeks. I can't think about it anymore. Despite my feelings it just isn't what I'm supposed to be focusing on right now. I have work to do. My career and basic day-to-day stuff is the priority. I'm working on my family more, too. I only have a few years before my stepsons walk out for good, and I want to make the most of them.

I pray that I lose weight. I really want to see numbers! I ate carefully this evening just to see if I could drop a little extra water or something. If not, I'll live. I just wanna see weight loss. After a review of this blog to see what my menus have really been like, I am going to try modifying my eating over the next week or so in the hope of stimulating weight loss--in other words, more green veggies and less fruit. We'll see if it happens. It may not be practical.

Menu:
Breakfast (4 blocks)
- 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1.5 oz. fish, 1 tsp. almond butter, 1/3 tsp. coconut oil, 3 nuts
- 1/2 cup blackberries, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1 clementine

Snack (2 blocks)
- 2 Tricia meatballs, 1.5 oz. fish, 1 clementine, 1/2 tsp. butter

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 cup Chan chili, 55g sweet potatoes

Lunch (4 blocks)
- 3+ cups fry mix, 1 tbsp. c-raisins, 1/2 tsp coconut oil, 1 tsp. butter, 3 oz. chicken, 1 egg

Snack (2 blocks)
- 1 grapefruit, 2 string cheese sticks, 6 nuts

Dinner (4 blocks)
- 2+ cups zucchini spaghetti, 2/3 tsp. olive oil, 1 cup Chan chili, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1.5 oz. fish
- 1 block 85% dark chocolate
Total water consumption: 10+ quarts throughout the day, including coffee and tea


I pray tomorrow shows me results on the scale, but more importantly, that I don't make bad decisions no matter what the ooutcome. It's not about me! Based on the rules and all that, my total points for the day: 0


Total points so far: 1