Wednesday, August 24 - 289 lbs. - All Beat Up

Sometimes you gotta step back. Sometimes you're making excuses for yourself. And sometimes, when it seems that your whole life has been either easy victories or excuses, and you started working hard for a change, it's tough to sort out which is which. That's a battle I fight regularly.

I don't want to be an excuse maker, and I never wanted to be, I just can't deal with people's crap! Everyone has an opinion and no matter what I do, rarely is everyone in agreement about how right or wrong I am. Go figure! I had real trouble with this when I was a kid; in high school it seemed like every teacher expected me to treat their class as the most important. Despite good advice from my father, I still didn't get it. I had to figure out how to make my own choices the best I could, and live with them. What didn't factor in back in the day was that often I made excuses for my poor choices, and got away with it for too long. It's a tough row to hoe but it's mine, I guess.

For example, I've been planning a 15k rowing experience and life is just too big for me to do it right now. I couldn't do it last Tuesday when I had planned to, so the following Thursday I sat down to row and get it over with. I was all set up to go, but my mind wasn't in it at all. I had so many issues to deal with... money, work, family, and more. All pressing stuff. I hadn't slept well in days, and the ALCC Camden Community Picnic, which I help organize, was the coming Saturday. Stress must have been oozing from my pores. After twelve minutes my butt began hurting. My arms still ached from what seemed like ten days' worth of arm-working WODs, and around the fifteen minute mark I realized that I had quit several minutes earlier. I ended up pressing on and rowing for about 18 minutes total, which still beats my last longest time by two or three minutes, and my longest distance by hundreds of meters. Felt like a failure, though. My attitude just wasn't good to start with. Perspective isn't always easy to hold on to.

I was so afraid to tell anyone--John, Cheryl, anyone. Yet I felt like it was my choice. I really wanted (and want!) to do the row. It's kinda exciting! I told John (my CrossFit trainer) and tried not to make a big deal out of it. He didn't kill me. It was his suggestion, not an order, and he's in no position to order me around anyway. I just want to be good and do good, and never be wrong. Can't do it. Can't be perfect. Gotta live with it.

I'm doing the Copper Wire run in early October, so I don't want to go too deep into September before I set myself to the 15k row again. I do need a free day, where I don't have piles of things to set aside. I'll have them soon enough, I just need to be patient. This challenging time will pass, as have all the others. God will get me through.

After last week I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Tuesday I didn't exercise. I felt I needed a break. I still do. Thursday I'm committed to doing very little as well. I have so much to do already, but who knows? I'm sick of cramming so much into a day that my mind spins. Too much of that, for whatever reason, and I get squirrely and head toward places I can't go anymore.

I still have to plan out my new food blocking scheme--or rather, how I'm gonna make it work on a daily basis--and I haven't done it yet. I have to figure out how to make 17 blocks of protein, 9 blocks of carbs, and about 40 blocks of fat into an eating plan. I know basically how to do it, and I've been stumbling through it for a few days now, but with no tracking and no planning it's an exercise in paleo eating. I have to give myself room to move here, I guess.

Over the weekend, I ate like crap for a good 24 hours after the community picnic and when I weighed myself on Tuesday, I was ten pounds heavier than the previous week. No doubt it's water weight held because of the abundance of salt and garbage carbs I consumed. I don't regret some of it, but as time passed I got sick of my behavior and the crap food started to taste bad. I don't know when I'll finally learn that there's no going back... I can still eat anything I want, but anything close to a binge won't be worth it.

Depending on my mood, my water weight is either a humorous thing or an annoyance. I'll be shedding it for days. This weekend we're going to The Fair (as they call it) and I'm gonna eat some crap there, too, just not as much. Within the following week is my anniversary, and around then we're going out to eat. In between it's all paleo as I learn how to make the new blocking work. Afterward it's big-push time. I've got weight to lose and muscle to build.

I don't understand everything but then again, I have yet to fully adopt the new eating. And as I've advised so many others lately, one must try something like that for a good two or three weeks straight (at least!) before you can begin to judge whether or not something's working, and another few weeks to see the benefits more fully unfold. I'm reading books and asking questions, changing my diet, working out, and putting one foot in front of the other. Gotta get through this, so I press on...

Tuesday, August 9 - Weight: 284.6 - Plugging Away

Sometimes I feel like CrossFit is almost as good for me as church, and that everyone should do it. The weight is still coming off, and it won't be long before the first two digits are "27". Nevertheless, I sometimes feel burnt out, like all I do is go from one workout to the next.

When I do four or five WODs and two endurance workouts in a week, it tends to go like this: Monday evening I do a WOD. Tuesday morning I row (intervals or distance & time) and if life permits, I hit a WOD. Wednesday morning I hit a WOD. I have a WOD Friday evening and Saturday morning. Depending on circumstances I run either Saturday afternoon or (preferably) Friday morning (intervals or distance & time, the opposite of what I did for rowing). I get a nice break between early Wednesday and early Friday, then from early Saturday to late Monday. The breaks seem more than adequate and I think I recover well enough, but sometimes Monday comes and I feel like sighing, "Here we go again."

Now that I've gotten the whining out of the way: I am considering a chat with my coaches about adding another endurance day to help me train for the Copper Wire Run in Camden, N.Y. this coming October. It might not be time yet, but if it is, I'd like to start next week. I would like to look at my exercise schedule as a four to five WOD, two to three endurance sort of deal. If my schedule permits I can go all out at five and three, but if not, four and two is plenty. I know John and Cheryl will steer me right, and will take into account many factors before advising me.

I had my first experience with torn hands last week, and I'm healing nicely. It's all part of the CrossFit journey. As has been said: New-Skin liquid bandage does smell elite. Apparently "elite" smells like Testor's model glue. At first I applied it obsessively (the New Skin, not the glue) but that's part of the process, too. I think in the future I'll use liquid bandage during workouts and for extra help, but try the salt water soak (painful!) to promote healing during off periods. I have seen it work wonders on others so it's worth a shot. I might also begin experimenting with athletic tape. Wow, I'm a real gym guy now! hahaha Next I'll need eye-black.

I haven't done as much box jumping as I had planned. As the week went on I felt more worn out, and the box looked so tall. I think it's important not to let it slide, but I don't want to get fixed on this either. This week I want to do another progression of box heights and get up there again. I don't need to solve this problem today any more than I need to get pull-ups in today, but I should not ignore this opportunity either. Fighting fear and overcoming mental obstacles is a big priority in CrossFit and I'm all about that.

Wisdom also suggests that if, as the week goes on, I get a bit ragged, that's something to consider too. I don't want to be hard on myself. I'm not Superman and I don't need to be. I've had to work progressively and carefully to get where I am now. The same thing goes for push-ups. I don't feel I have progressed as much with those lately. Why should this be any different? I suspect that as winter comes, there'll be less met-con and more box jumps and push-ups. There's plenty of time if I'm willing to work. There are also times when, for no other reason than a desire to take a break, I can take a day or even a week off. I don't think I'll be taking a week off from CrossFit anytime soon, but a day off looks good. I believe life will work that magic for me for now. Otherwise, I want to work.

Also, I know I can do a bit more work at home--a bit of groove-greasing every day is good, and just like warming up and stretching, I do not do it enough. It's a goal: more work at home, even a little here and there. I'll talk more about that in the future, but for now, I press on...

Tuesday, August 2 - Weight 289.4 - Working...

I'm struggling with work. I have a lot of it, which is nice, but it's all due soon. Ugh!

I've lost weight. That's good! I also had a good week at the gym. I did my crappy brand of grey-band pull-ups in a WOD, I did real overhead squats in a WOD, and I did a real box jump. It was cool.

I'd like to do a box jump every time I come in. Two or three, just greasing the groove and getting my mind to accept it as a legitimate exercise I can do! Even a month or two, I might not be ready to pull out the box jump of that size in a WOD. But who knows?

Since then I've repeated the box jumps a few times. Today I just didn't have my heart in it. I am not all there mentally, and very stressed out. Still, I hit the WOD hard and took a good 25 seconds off my KB snatch ladder time. My endurance row session was 200m with rest, then 500m with rest, then 15 minutes of rowing in which I managed to go almost 3600m. I've never rowed for more than 5 minutes before, so 15 seemed huge but wasn't all that bad.

I'm just glad to have lost weight and still feel good. I think I'm doing okay. I need to make sure I get plenty of rest, hit four or five WODs and two endurance days, and eat right. I seem to get in a little extra fat, which is cool, and I am not afraid to do it if I'm careful. Fat is so good for me. It's nice to have the chocolate and I've become a believer in coconut oil. I make sure to get some every day.

There is no denying it, though... I'm whipped. I don't know how I feel about anything. Once my work is done, I will feel better about life. My leadership organization of the Big Kid Games at my church's free community picnic is going a bit slow but moving well enough. I just want August to be over, and to be paid. When I get exhausted, I get whiny! hahaha

I don't think it's an eating issue, but a work and sleep issue. Still, I need to keep an eye on things. So far though, I feel good about all this. It's going well.

Wednesday, July 27 - Buckling down

What a huge blessing it is to have coaches who care and know what they're doing. John and Cheryl at CrossFit make this so much easier and I desire to support them in every way possible. If you go to CrossFit Ascend in Rome, NY and you're not happy with your results, ask them what to do. Then do your best version of it. If necessary, once you've dialed it in better, work up to their version... but their version will usually win in the end, and after doing it for two months you won't regret it. At least I haven't.

The WOD today was brutal but I am happy to have done it. I did not think a WOD would shake me to the core just hearing what it was gonna be: a run (200+ meters down a street), with 30 box jumps and 30 wall balls. Five rounds for time. Five? I figured it'd be three. I think a lot of people wished it was three. For a round or two I was one of them! By the end I could have done another round, I think, but I was glad to finish it in 28:15. I worked hard, avoided rest, maximixed focus... I put myself to work even if for a rep or two, even if it sucked, because that gets me going and shows me where I'm really at. So much of this is mental! I'd pause regularly to resharpen focus. I paced myself as strongly as I could. I got it done and went home satisfied. My recovery since has been outstanding. That's CrossFit with paleo eating for ya.

Today I received guidance on tightening up my eating. I'm down to 17 blocks, watching the fat (no doubling up on it!). My version of dialing it in: I will be cutting back on the carbs a tad each meal (one less block per meal compared to the PRO and FAT). I will do dairy a few times a week but not daily. I will do extra fruit once or twice a week but not daily. I will eat a small piece of chocolate at night but not right before bed. I will do one packet of Splenda with some agave nectar and heavy cream in my morning go-cup of coffee. If necessary I may take a coconut water block after workouts and not count it toward the daily intakes.

The key for me here is the little crutches, toothpicks really, that serve to hold me up. All this fits into the scheme of things, but I can snip away the toothpicks when the time comes. Allow me to explain:

I like dairy. Dairy is a kind of no-no because it promotes body acidity, not alkalinity. I'll have a serving of greek yogurt, a glass of whole milk, and a piece of cheese each week where appropriate (it counts toward blocking, of course). If they don't happen, no big deal... I won't play the game of, "Oh, I forgot I get a glass of milk!" If I have an extra one, no big deal. This will give me more options and help me keep variety fun. But as the weeks progress--or sooner if I am not liking the results--this may drop to the occasional serving (maybe once a week). Eventually it'll be less than occasional. Having three servings of dairy a week isn't much, but it gives me an obvious place to go if I discover that I need to.

I like fruit and it is convenient. Having an extra piece (or two) of fruit each week gives me permission to eat healthy on the go. It widens variety and keeps things fun and fresh. Too much fruit promotes acidity and is sugary to boot, but fruit is very good for you. An extra serving here and there is fine, but as the weeks progress... you get me?

I have grown accustomed to dark chocolate before bed. It's good for me but I probably have too much, and at a bad time. I believe in the health benefits and the yumminess, so I'll have some at night, but not right before I hit the hay. I'm cutting back to a single piece of a certain type I buy (75% cocoa dark chocolate which is a good combo of tastes for me). But as the weeks progress...

Same thing with the coffee. I've learned to enjoy it black or with heavy cream, but I prefer it with a little something. (My morning go-cup, by the way, is 20 ounces or more than three six-ounce cups of coffee.) One packet of Splenda per day won't hurt, and a splash of agave gives it something real for my body. The cream is enjoyable as well. If I want, I can just drop the sweetener, then the agave as I dial in tighter.

And, if all goes well for a while, I won't change much. Maybe this plan will work for several weeks without needing alteration, but I doubt it. The dairy and extra fruit will drop away for sure--they're the first to go after I've dropped 15 pounds or so. No matter what, I know this is healthy eating.

There is so much I do that I've never mentioned such as my use of fat: where and when I do coconut oil, my use of butter, adding olive oil, daily but sparing use of nuts. I guess that's for later. Now it's time to press on...

Tuesday, July 26 - 295.0 ibs. - Back to Work

I'm focusing on weight loss now, which means I'm just tightening things up as much as I can. It's good to have a goal, and when your goal is legitimately nebulous it's pretty cool! I mean, of course it's concrete: I want to hit four to five WODs hard each week with two endurance days, and eat in a way that supports training with maximum weight loss. I'm committing to six weeks of this, with the caveat that more than anything this is a search... a search for a combination of eating and exercise that works for me, with the knowledge that as I grow leaner and stronger and more fit, it will change! This is what I signed on for.

What I meant was that there's no number I have in mind. I'd like to see the high side of 270 but right now I'm focusing on the process, not the product. This morning I had measurements taken and I hit the scale. After my six weeks I'll take new measurements. I'll be weighing myself alot at first, perhaps, dropping to one or two times a week once I feel I've dialed things in. I'm less afraid of the scale but I know I can still remember how to beat myself with it. Nevertheless I want to discover how often I can use it to motivate me, challenge me, and hold me accountable. I'm guessing two to three weigh-ins per week is plenty.

I've been hitting it hard at CrossFit lately, and had some amazing experiences. My potential is beginning to become reality for me, but just as important is my increasingly realistic perspective on what is good and right for me in fitness. I am so seriously interested in this CrossFit thing, and I am equally serious about learning as much as I can so that I can share this gift with others effectively. It's hard to hold back. I don't want to step on anyone's toes in the box--trainer or trainee--but I recognize the need for patience and prudence. I want to be a help, not a hinderance. But most of all I want to learn more, and have the real stuff. One day not too far off I will get my level 1 cert, if only to have exposed myself fully to this thing called CrossFit in a way that can be shared effectively as well as increase my own abilities. One day I hope to be able to tell someone else not what I'm doing, but what I did and why it worked, so that they can do their own version of it, too.

I don't fear WODs anymore. My CrossFit life has become a repeating course of, "I used to hate (insert exercise here) but now I rock it and love it!" I fully expect many techniques to be like this, and I accept that it's hard. I'm beginning to welcome it, even. I remember bolting for the bathroom at the thought of doing five or eight minutes of kettlebell swings, and now I'd do that in a heartbeat. My brain isn't quite ready but it's ready enough. 3... 2... 1... go!

I will be posting regularly but not daily (that's too much) because frankly, the process promotes my growth and helps me understand what's happening to me. Even when I get my new block prescription I don't think I will be journaling online, but I will be sharing my experiences and little things I discover. This is too cool.

So I press on...

Monday, July 18 - Recovered?

Ya know, part of this journey for me is learning to play hurt... all the time. Accepting the bumps, bruises, strains and sprains as inevitable stops on the road is still fresh. Within that is also the reality of knowing when you're licked--and for me, not feeling ashamed of it and not feeling beholden to others' opinions of how I handle it.

I'm blessed that within my circle of fitness friends, I have respect and love, and the understanding that comes with that. It's still new to me to be so deeply involved in this little CrossFit community and instead of hearing, "Just get up and move, you're not working hard enough," I am hearing, "Of course you're whipped and have to recover. You just did something huge for yourself and that's part of it all. Welcome to the club, brother!" It makes me shake just thinking about it... maybe I'm not crazy, just learning.

Thursday I helped a friend move an old 28-inch TV, and by "help" I mean I got it and carried it up the narrow stairs to her apartment for her. I tweaked my hip because it was heavy, and because so much of me was still a little weak that other muscles had to compensate. I still did it, though, and I knew I could--my test lift proved it. There's a little bit of me that is self-scolding, but then again I think of a certain truth... I don't do CrossFit and then shirk everyday life's physical challenges, I do CrossFit so I can better tackle everyday life's challenges overall. If I can hit four WODs a week but can't move my friend's TV, what am I doing?

Saturday was the first day I began to feel anything like myself, physically. I can sort of bound up and down the steep staircase in my house again. I try to be careful because I need a few more weeks, truthfully, but my deep question was finally answered: Will I ever recover from this running thing I did? Today is Monday and we have a church leadership dinner, so no CrossFit tonight for Alice and me. But my knees and ankles still ache, so they get another day of rest. I so much want to hit it good tomorrow, to be back for real. Maybe it'll take a while, or maybe I have to continue constantly adjusting my perception of these things.

Tuesday, though, it's for real and I'm glad. I want to be a bit careful but I'm dying to work on some weaknesses I've noticed over the past month or three. I'm dying to feel right again. I can get a sense of what my CrossFit trainer John might have been feeling after his surgery, and may still feel now and again. I want to work. I want "normal" back, pain and all, because it's better and it's not all painful, anyway! Victory is too sweet.

This week I want to get back on the horse with everything. Eating may include some dairy and a bit more fruit than I want, but it's all leading up to next week. By the time August hits I want to be in full swing and training for weight loss, fitness, and my next "whatever." I really want to drop another pile of pounds, and if I can find a groove where I'm losing weight steadily and still growing more powerful, that'd be great! We'll see what happens. For now, I press on.

Wednesday, July 13 - Recovery Sucks

The phrase "learning experience" gets old. It really does. I suppose that depends on the attitude and, honestly, from whom it eminates. And when it is heard. hahaha Wow that sounds so serious and negative! Seriously, though, I am getting over the euphoria of having completed a challenging 15k road run. That was yesterday.

Now I am trying to recover as well as I can, given my life situation and goals. Anyone who has done anything with physical fitness and faced a challenge like this knows that recovery's a bitch. And for me, the bitch is mean and fickle. She won't give me a break.

Of course this isn't 100% new to me. What's new is the guidance I have from Cheryl & John, my pals at CrossFit, whose expertise and experience have educated me almost as much as the personal experience itself has. What I mean is, they tell me what happened, what is happening, and what might happen, and most of it applies and makes sense. For instance, my energy today just wasn't all there. I think my eating has been good, and though my water consumption this morning was relatively low, it was still good because I tend to drink more than I need anyway. Cheryl wasn't surprised at all. Stuff like that is reassuring.

What I really want is to feel right, to walk into the box ready to perform. Right now I don't have it. I think my performance this week shows different, but nevertheless I am ready to be somewhere else. I'm experiencing a combination of being antsy and dragging ass--or rather, my spirit is antsy but the body cannot comply. I've come to accept the weekly or even daily reality of tweaks, bruises, scrapes and other injuries we work with and through, but this is a bit bigger. I trust it will dissipate. Frustration, regardless of origin or validity, is counterproductive. This is, as has been said, a learning experience and this is part of it.

There's so much positive to take hold of, and I cling to it as I amble through the trough. I can't always be sure of what it is at a given moment but it's there. What my kids saw and see, the changes inside me, the paradigm shift... it will be months before I can truly appreciate this stuff.

Lately I have noticed a different sense of respect. Some of it may reflect changes in the way people treat me now, but I suspect that it comes from changes within. I don't fear myself in the box so much. If I think something's bad for me to do, I say so, and rarely is this seriously challenged. I could abuse such a privilege, and in the past that's been my hallmark (ride the reputation ragged!), but not today. I brought what I brought, I bring what I bring. I don't need everyone to think I'm great, or right. I am better at letting things pass through me if they seem unfair or wrong. I seek a powerful combination of self-respect and humility, and it is washing over me. I hope to absorb as much as possible as I grow.

After I recover, however that goes, I am focusing on weight loss. I'd like to drop some more fat. I've sat firmly in the 290s for four months and I'm ready to lose more. I think it's time. It's not that the scale is my master, and in fact it's the opposite. I just need to see new numbers at some point. I don't want to become a fit but heavy guy, I'd like to drop that fat a bit more rapidly. I discussed this with John and my immediate plan is simple: do what I've been doing, but better.

For me this means stricter discipline for a while. I need to eat less and stick with that. I've been cautioned to be careful because I obviously am eating basically right, and am normally bringing all the energy into the box that I need, so why change too much? I need to re-measure myself to make sure I have the right block prescription, then shave carbs a bit. I also need to exercise more care with cheat meals. I'd like to skip cheats for several weeks, with bits here and there so I can still handle eating "normal" food. Exercise will be four to five WODs and two endurance days, running and rowing. Sounds like fun to me. Really!

I am planning a run Saturday. I was hitting six laps in about 20 minutes before, and even then I wondered if I might be capable of more. I want to have my first run be similar, but this time I want to push and see how intense I can stand it, resting only when absolutely needed. John has suggested I do a 5k before October's Copper Wire Run (also 5k) in Camden, and I agree. So how hard can I push in 20 minutes now? After dealing with the Boilermaker, and the hills, and all that... I wonder.