It's official: I'm off the BP meds. I hope to never see them again.
I haven't weighed myself in a few days because frankly, I don't want to watch the rollercoaster. I ate okay all week, with a few over-do-its that still involved the right nutrient ratios and foods, followed by junk on Saturday and Sunday, but overall I did okay. The struggle: staying focused on this stuff. The problem: overload of life wrecks planning, which translates into tougher times during the week.
Still, having done what I've done, I know my weight is still around 290. If it's high today, it'll be down tomorrow and Wednesday. I don't mind hovering here for a while but it's time to get moving again. I just have so much work strife to fight through that I can't focus on that now, not so much, but still I keep walking it out. Some part of losing all this weight and growing more fit is learning not to gain it all back, so like the diver, I must be unafraid to sit at different depths as I acclimate, repeatedly, until I can finally breath fresh air at the surface.
My work in the box at CrossFit is proving difficult, as usual, but also REWARDING AS USUAL. I struggle to get in three WODs a week because of work and life. I'm thinking that my regular four- and five-WOD weeks are gonna be a reality again soon, though, but I was beginning to doubt myself, to look at what I was doing and how I was doing it... Where is the intensity now? Where is that gut feeling that I have to push harder to survive and thrive? Where's the gut-wrenching fear? I have begun to wonder if it's an act with me these days. Am I not a habitual cheater and liar, a sympathy-hound looking for absolution because despte all evidence to the contrary, I can't really do what I'm so obviously doing?!? Can I?
I am so dreadfully used to the fear and surprise, that shamefully I must admit that I miss the wall, the moment where I get to quit because "I'm fat" or "I physically cannot do that." They're honest reasons, but I wait for the failure point and it doesn't come, so the inevitable conclusion is that I must simply keep going until I hit the wall for real. And so lately, in the box, that's what I've tried to do.
Here's what happened.
Saturday I did the WOD in 17:35. We ran/jogged outside (using pose form if possible) at whatever pace we could for a quarter-mile, then did 50 squats of body weight, and repeated it to get to one mile and 200 squats. Since it was our first running WOD John mentioned that if our bodies couldn't take it, or a part (like a knee) was troublesome, there was no shame in shortening or modifying it drastically because, well, it was the first time back. I was a potential target for that fairly and honestly offered trapdoor. I did not need it. I never walked or gave up. I waited for the need to quit but it never came. In fact, I think if I did it again this coming Saturday, I'd do better. I felt great just finishing. Even though it's early, I thought for the first time that maybe, just maybe, I could do the Boilermaker for real in July.
I drove the neighborhood counting road trails and found good quarter- and half-mile courses around the block. I also found a 5k I can do. I am actually beginning to think I can maybe run. What's more, despite a pounding one mile a few days before (in Vibram Five-Fingers!), my legs and feet feel decent for some reason. They're supposed to be killing me.
Today, I did 12 reps of hanging power cleans with front squats, plus seven deep ring rows (instead of pull-ups), for as many rounds as possible in twenty minutes. I did 7 rounds plus 8 reps of the HPC/squats. I have never before successfully held the bar with my fingertips on my shoulders, so the front squat has eluded me... UNTIL TODAY. I still have to work on my form, and my wrists ached and scared me, but I fought the fear, trusted my trainer, and lost another excuse. As my arms and wrists become stronger and more flexible, the platform that is my upper arm and shoulder will become easier to achieve, and my front squats will begin to improve dramatically. I started at the girl prescription weight (65 lbs) and ended (at 85 lbs) close to the male prescription weight of 95 lbs. I also did 40 2-handed KB swings with the 54 lb. kettlebell almost effortlessly, even doing a few overheads.
It's nice to feel like I'm working hard again. It's nice to see progress again. It's nice to feel good again. I can taste it again, and I want more. So you can imagine my relief at this last Sunday... we prepared food ahead, and thus my eating week will be better.
I feel like I'm back.
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